In Days in Edmonton, Playlist

If my current life were a TV series, these would be the theme songs:

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Sometimes when I was casually strolling on the rustic sidewalk on one of those days back in the Fall, particularly early in the day when the daybreak just rose, or later when the yellow shades of afternoon just turned gold and the evening breeze began to nudge my cheeks, I imagined if I had actually been living in a TV series. (And all this messed up reality is actually just a fake show, ha! Well, I wish.) There would be a camera shooting from one side of my moving feet, then another one from the tip of my right eye which was staring straight onto the avenue, and another one just across my lips that were mumbling some lyrics that I remembered from these songs.

The story begins when a girl feels like she’s misplaced in this small town, and she struggles to find a circle where she really fits in, without feeling like she has to try all the time.

She’s got nobody
She’s got no place where she belongs

I was wandering in the rain
Mask of life, feelin’ insane
Swift and sudden fall from grace
Sunny days seem far away

Sometimes she wishes that her busy mind would also just untangle by itself, stop twirling thoughts and everything else into a massive storm that is ready to shatter her guarding walls.

To see loss in a shower
The petals turn to mush
It still disappoints you
Then less of a sudden
You wire your weary mind
To let it deceive you

She often thinks about the simpler past. The regular, more mundane days. They were safer, and she got to be surrounded by her loved ones, which made all troubles seem to always vanish eventually. All she knows now is that no company is better than a bad company.

We were beautiful before this went down
We were beautiful before the years came
And turned it upside down
We were beautiful before we got wise

What a waste, what a waste, what a waste to be so alone

You will never come close to how I feel
Space around me where my soul can breathe
I’ve got body that my mind can leave
Nothing else matters, I don’t care what I miss
Company’s okay, solitude is bliss

Including that particular vacation to Disneyland, the last time she remembered that she was truly content and happy to be in somebody else’s company.

California, I love that name
Free from the past and free from the pain
California, wish you were here
Where the blood runs cold and the skies are clear
It’s the good life

She misses home. And she knows her parents miss her too, and might even be worried about her way too much than she herself already is.

Dan jika suatu saat buah hatiku, buah hatimu
Untuk sementara waktu pergi
Usahlah kau pertanyakan ke mana kakinya kan melangkah
Kita berdua tahu, dia pasti pulang ke rumah
Kini kamarnya teratur rapi ribut suaranya tak ada lagi

Kenangan jalan-jalan menyenangkan
Ke Jakarta melihat pusat kota
Selalu menjadi hari yang riang dengan Ayah-Bunda
Dari dulu mereka mengajakku ke tempat yang terkenang
Hingga sekarang

Dia beri arti bahagia dari yang sederhana
Di masa itu manisnya rasa
Ku genggam memori yang sederhana
Memberi makna sepanjang usia

She’s been trying to move forward, to march forward. She knows she can’t just hang onto the past. But she’s worried about the future, too. Not about where or what she might end up with, but more about whether or not she would be able to rediscover happiness after this.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the past
How there is no holding back
No point in wasting sorrow
On things that won’t be here tomorrow

What story should I tell? Will it end happy, will it turn out well?
What dreams do I own? Can I call any place my home?

I listen to the wind
To the wind of my soul
Where I’ll end up, well, I think
Only God really knows

Well, you know, it’s been way too long now. Another winter came, another batch of gloomy days without the sun. And things are not getting easier.

It’s been a long, hard year
For a friend who’s not sure if he’s close enough
To be allowed to care or just be there
To include you in his evening prayer

But she’s still trying to be grateful for what she has. She knows for sure what she has, and she couldn’t be any more grateful about them. And after all, what would really be meaningful at the end of the day? All these things she survive, or maybe just the comfort of being with the loved ones?

Funny how always these times are changing
Back then it was so easy to shatter
But now in the end it doesn’t really matter

Practice isn’t perfect
With the market cuts and loss
I remind myself that times could be much worse

Those people who truly matter, she knows they’re there for her. Anytime she needs to break down, before she’s molded into a newer, better, stronger shape.

  • Benjamin Francis Leftwich – Summer

I parted from the feeling, I was never gonna change
And I started to believe in the hope of better days
Then the wind changed in the garden
And the darkness went away
I could hear you saying, “Don’t you be afraid.”

Stay, tell me that it’s not too late
To recover, to get over life before
Nothing’s changed, every time your body breaks
I’ll come running, so you never have to fall

And that’s how she gains the strength to carry one more day. Just one more day, she tells herself. One more day, and she tells herself so every day.

Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say, it’s all right

Don’t turn away, dry your eyes, dry your eyes
Don’t be afraid, keep it all inside, all inside
When you fall apart, dry your eyes, dry your eyes
Life is always hard for the belle of the boulevard

It’s a brand new day
The sun is shining, it’s a brand new day
For the first time in such a long long time
I know I’ll be okay

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