It’s fascinating, the things you discover as you age. Things you never necessarily learned from anywhere, nor previously heard of, and yet they somehow come about unabashedly – and that you get to experience them firsthand, which is also the sole reason why you come across them in the first place.
Certain states of mind, emotions, and feelings – they materialize out of sheer serendipity. Sometimes, it’s unannounced. For better or for worse, they may change you inside out. Even if it’s just a temporary surge of happiness, or ache, or anything in between. Even if it dies out immediately. Sometimes they show you things you didn’t know you had the capacity for, or they help you search through the depth and range you’ve been carrying with you the whole time. And that is perhaps all that you ever need out of it.
I don’t know what it is, and I don’t think I have the interest in figuring it out either. Let it be undefined. Let it remain unchallenged. Let it just live. Grow. Nurtured. Linger. Become. There is no need to guard one. It may last, or it may not. Whichever path it chooses to roam over, I am embracing it. It may fail me, or it may enliven me. There is no anticipation or expectation, just leaps of faith in believing its sole intention.
When I was much younger, I thought admiration only led to yearning; whether it is to own, to be mutually exclusive, or to gatekeep something you adore from others. As I grow older and such a feeling begins to reveal its whole spectrum, I realize that you don’t have to. There is an entire maze to choose your path from, and to simply let it be is one of them.
Maybe, at times, it’s because you know there can never be any way for it to develop into anything other than what it currently is. Some other times, it’s because you don’t even demand it to. But in any case, you make peace with the truth. You accept the fact that it serves the purpose of introducing a little joy into your being, and that’s all that it ever will be. Nothing less and nothing more.
There is this sense of liberation that you’d only get once you allow your emotions to just be. No wantings to change anything, zero desires to possess anything or anyone, no nothing. Some things are not meant to be untangled, and a riddle is all they will ever become, in perpetuity. It’s only meant to be sensed, to be felt, to be aware of. That their presence is true and genuine is the only truth you’d ever need.
And there is beauty in wishing for nothing. That you could just be immersed in joy, and love – whichever form it chooses to come to pass – without trying to commit anything other than experiencing all the sparks, is a blessing. No harm, no tricks, not even an appetite – just exposing your heart and mind in the open to unlock a new kind of happiness you didn’t even know could possibly exist. And certainly not when you were younger and filled with all the insecurity and fear of having to guard things you liked from others.
Oh the things you allow to transpire once your heart and mind are ready.
The contentment that comes into being, the relief from letting things unfold as the universe pleases, the gratitude from being able to allow yourself to be engulfed in joy instead of guilt.
No explanation required, no strings attached, no disloyal cravings entailed.
Enjoy things while they last, they said.
So you might as well do.