So, I’m pretty much overwhelmed and..

I think it’s aggravating that sometimes, you dwell so deep in a mistake you made like there’s no way you could be any more disappointed than that, but if you trace into the root of the actual issue, it’s not even about yourself. Like you might actually be okay about that, and you knew you probably deserved that moment, and you wanted to just accept the fact if you could… But it’s still way too exacerbating, probably because you disappoint other people instead. Be it people that you love, or people whom you need to earn the trust from. Anyhow, people who matter. People who somehow seems to be in control of whatever state you’re in or will be in, depending on how you perform.

It could be parents. Maybe you want to make them smile, maybe you want to make sure that the geographic distance created between the two of you is worth the pain, otherwise what’s the point of all this sacrifice, maybe you want them to be proud if they talk about their child to their fellows in their school reunion. Maybe, just the thought of them worrying about you already propagates the pain towards you, so you want to be better.

Or it could be your boss. Maybe you do not want to turn them down, maybe you want to make sure that they feel that you’re worth a shot. Maybe you want them to think, “Hey, I’m glad I hired this guy,” after they took a leap of faith that landed you, a once stranger, this position. Maybe you simply don’t want to be underwhelming, particularly when compared to your superior colleagues. Maybe you hate the thought that you might be the most underachieving employee. Maybe, it’s as simple as not wanting to ruin their days (and career) with the downfall of your performance. Maybe, it’s also about potentially ruining their opinions about future employees who share the same background with you, and you’ll be responsible for those innocent future generations. Oh my.

Or it could be the person who helped you to get into this position. The person who helped making your boss take a leap of faith into hiring you in the first place. Maybe you’re afraid that this person would hate you if you don’t perform well, maybe you’re afraid it’ll potentially ruin the relationship between you and this person, also this person and your boss. Maybe this person has a long-standing notability, that your mistake might be a stain on their reputable record.

Or, maybe, even if you don’t care about what people think, you care about what He would judge about you. Maybe you’re scared that it’s such a huge sin to make people disappointed, to carry them down along with your collapse, so you’re being punished and it comes in a full circle: you’re doing bad deeds, you get punished, and the punishment is that you’re not able to perform well.

And yes, as much as you know that you might just overthink things, you’re still scared. As much as you understand that you still have time to explore your full potential and do your best in the remaining time, you’re still feeling so anxious. As much as you want to be able to think, “Hey, people do not have controls over what you want to feel and behave. Just focus on yourself, and what you can do now while you still have the chance,” you also can’t seem to let go of your mistakes that restrain you from marching forward.

As much as you just want to believe in a greater power that would enable you to do whatever things you need to do, including the impossible, your restless mind and concerned heart still try to take over and make things seem worse than they actually are. As much as you want to realize that it’s not that bad, you know you’re not doing well and you do not know when you will get better. Nor how.

As much as you want to be able to think that it might be just a seemingly prolonged yet not-so-harmful hiccup in your long-term journey, you also notice that you’ve translated into the worst version of yourself you never knew you could become, and it frightens you. As much as you want to believe that you would recover, you also do not know when. And as much as you put the effort into changing to be a better person, at least by trying to get into His side closer, you also know that time’s ticking, and your current best might not be good enough.

And I do not know how to put an epilogue into this pointless post.

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