That one thought that lingers since last year

Do you ever feel like you’re just not yourself, or at least not your regular, bearable self? Like you’ve somehow discovered some anomalous, unnatural habits that make you yourself even cringe to live under that living body. Like it’s just so not you. At least not in the past. Maybe time changes you, maybe the circumstance, maybe the geographical place… But whatever it is behind that, it clearly doesn’t do a good job getting you metamorphosed into a beautiful butterfly.

And you hate for being that new, yet not better person, because you make people see the side of you they shouldn’t. You want to be a better friend for everyone, you want your presence to give meanings, even if it’s just a little, in people’s lives that you intersect with. You don’t want them to run away because of how you behave, because that’s not who you want to be. Never.

And the worst part is, if you’re dealing with the same bunch of people who knew your past, they’d understand the change that you’re undergoing, and they’ll know that you’re just simply not at your best. But what if you’re surrounded with people who had no idea about your past, at all? So they didn’t know the happier person that I was, the more chill soul that I had, the more exciting friend I could’ve become. They might assume this is just me in general. And this person sucks. And I won’t bother trying to climb their walls nor break down their guards because the view in the other side might be just as lame, and it’s not going to be worth it.

And that’s the story of how you never recover to be the old, happy self that you truly are. Because you try to shine a light, you try to fire a candle back in your heart, but it’s way too damp inside so it all stays dark.

And you’re just upset, thinking about how you cannot give people chance to see and feel the true persona that they might as well like and be interested to get to know more about. They never know what you’re capable of, what sort of fun stuff you’re into, what uniqueness you bear inside of you. And they might have to live with that judgment about you forever. And it sucks.

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