Home might be a mess; people might still contradict you; it might not be the most beautiful place you know;
but it was the only place where I
was never alone.
Ruins
Showing all posts in Days in Edmonton
It’s always been about managing expectations
There has been several moments in my life where I was sure that I was good at something, was ready to receive the best possible result after great hard work coupled with something that I believed as possibly talent as well, but at the end of the day, things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to be.
Last year in 2016, it happened twice. I gave my best effort with hard work and prayers and all, and people and I myself knew if there were things that I was legit good at, it was those things.
Well, it didn’t work.
And it just happened again, within this current phase of life that I planned to take care as best as I could, after having learned all those lessons before. The final results weren’t bad though, but it was just moderately good. In my own scale however, that would be just so-so. And it wasn’t going to be that disappointing if it weren’t for those things that I thought I could definitely nail.
People and I myself have told me several times that I suck at being grateful at times. The truth is, it’s not that I forget to be thankful; it’s just I’ve always raised the bar so high and I barely forgive myself easily when I fail jumping above it.
To me, these kinds of things hurt the most. More than actual scars I got when I had my first traffic accident, more than any major heartbreaks I went through, more than mood swing times when I feel like all persons are trashy. Because this one lingers, this one I’ll remember for the rest of my life, particularly when some of them are indeed literally written in the form of official note of accomplishments.
A short talk to a friend that I knew would be able to give me some reasonable advice made me realize the primary issue: I’ve always forgotten to be sincere at those. Ikhtiar, my mother language says.
Maybe, it’s not that hard work doesn’t get paid off, or that best effort betrays. Maybe, it’s not that the greater power doesn’t answer my prayers. Maybe, it’s just that I’m being too clingy at it, as if it’s the most and the only significant accomplishment I’ve ever wanted, then I get too attached to my own expectations, as I want those things too much that I forget to let God do the rest.
And I can only tell myself: dear future Bila, don’t be anymore.
Silver linings (and a chance of golden fortune) – Part II
Bulan September tahun lalu, bisa dibilang saya hampir putus asa mencari some things to work on, to keep me sane.
Empat tahun berakrab ria dengan perkuliahan dan segala aktivitas non-akademik dan dinamikanya yang membuat kami para mahasiswa menjadi task-juggler dan penggila kesibukan, kemudian tiba-tiba menjadi completely pengangguran selama tiga bulan mendorong saya pada salah satu titik terendah di tahun tersebut. I have been failing many times in my life, but not that way. That was different, and hurtful from every possible view.
Sebagian teman-teman terdekat saya sudah bekerja di kantor, sebagian mengerjakan proyek dosen, sebagian lagi memulai bisnis yang menyenangkan, ada pula yang sudah memulai Master degree. Pada akhirnya, meski sedikit terlambat, saya (mencoba) bangun dan memutuskan untuk mengerjakan hal yang saya sukai. Then, @dhaniaalbani was first established.
I got to work on some arts I’ve never had any chance to do due to the lack of time, people appreciate my work and they want to buy them for real, dan rasanya… priceless.
Bersamaan dengan itu, supervisor saya menawarkan untuk mengerjakan dua proyeknya. Bebannya tidak terlalu banyak, pekerjaan-pekerjaan tersebut bisa saya kerjakan di rumah dan hanya butuh untuk seminggu sekali bertemu di kantor untuk laporan mingguan. Dhania Albani bisa tetap berjalan, dan akhirnya saya pun bisa menghasilkan uang bukan hanya dari hobi saya tapi juga keilmuan saya. Alhamdulillah.
Berbeda dengan laboratorium-laboratorium lain di prodi yang menggaji fresh grad secara perbulan tanpa mempertimbangkan jumlah proyek yang didapat, supervisor saya yang dermawan ternyata membayar per jumlah proyek. Nominal bulanan tersebut tidak jauh berbeda dari pemasukan seorang wellsite geologist di perusahaan multinasional, jadi meskipun proyek tersebut berlangsung selama kurang dari satu semester, saya tetap bisa berinvestasi lebih banyak untuk proyek penunjang kebahagiaan saya, Dhania Albani. Dan cita-cita saya yang belum kesampaian untuk bekerja di EP company pada akhirnya ditukar dengan sesuatu yang bahkan jauh lebih baik.
Low-paced life ternyata baik untuk saya. Waktu-waktu seperti itu membuat saya jadi memiliki waktu luang untuk berpikir tentang apa yang betul-betul saya inginkan untuk kehidupan saya, orang-orang di sekitar saya, dan dunia luar yang ternyata membutuhkan saya dan kita semua. Dari pemikiran kecil itulah perantauan saya akan dimulai dalam beberapa bulan, untuk memulai kehidupan yang completely baru.
Dulu saya berpikir ingin segera lulus karena ingin segera memulai kehidupan baru dimana segala halnya jauh dari latar belakang dan hidup yang sudah saya jalani. To restart a completely new life, in a new place, with a new pursuit.
Well, you need to be really careful of what you wished for, for it might come true in some unexpected ways.
And here it goes, I’ll be nearly 10,000 miles away from home in few months. Having no Indonesians that I knew around, no adults to protect me, no possible way to using Bahasa for surviving the days.
You might never hear the word “Edmonton” before, because neither do I before months ago when I completely wanted to change my destination from that lifetime-pursued Norway and its Scandinavian delicacy. Nevertheless, that is the name of a city which is going to be my second home for the next couple of years.
The point is, we truly never know. The lucky one isn’t probably the happiest one. The one looking like having the least idealized life might actually keep some priceless treasure. White collars or blue collars, black or white skins—they’re just all colours. Absolute bliss lies far beyond those measurable materials.
We might be hit by tons of bad news today or tomorrow or anytime soon, but life has indeed always been a sine curve, it is no new news. Everyone gets hurt, but the ones with bigger hearts don’t choose to suffer. The fortunate ones are just the ones who are so talented at hiding their flaws.
We will never be sure about which direction we’ll be sailing onto, but we can always be sure where it’s going to end. And we already even know the answer by now, don’t we?
Silver linings (and a chance of golden fortune) – Part I
The very last thing you will likely to know about surviving life, is where the wind blows tomorrow thus which path you’re going to end up sailing onto.
And every once in a while, our wrecked ships are the only ones that remain after hard storms. And nothing else stays, but a better place where we end up landing.
It might be, that the pursuit of my true dream would never begin if it wasn’t due to the loss of opportunities I thought I could grip in my hands. (Read: plunging oil price, un-recruitment, and so forth)
Had it been otherwise, I might’ve ended up in some oil and gas company where I had previously done an apprentice at, collecting incomes, buying expensive clothing and gadgets, ordering flight tickets to someplace every once in a month, and simply no longer bothering to think about discovering what truly matters for me in my life.
Well—frankly I do still desire those sort of life, for certain. I’m on my early 20’s, my ambition is big, my goals are on a very long list, my bucket list goes on and on, and working in a very well-paid multinational company having all good things secured within my hands would surely help a lot to achieve such wonderful picture-perfect life. But believe me, I’ve been in some alone moments where I got to rethink and say, Hey, that isn’t really what you’ve been wanting to accomplish all your lifetime. And you secretly know that.
Well again, that may be someone else’s life goals, or everyone’s deep desire (and I don’t refuse to admit that I indeed belong to that “everyone”) after all, and nothing is wrong with that. Apart from, that is not entirely me.
After all, it is the “storm” that brought me to rediscover everything. That awakened me by slapping me so hard right on my face, shouting, “You are literally not gonna head anywhere, not because your ship is wrecked, but because you hold on too much to the unattainable, so you better move today and find something worth fighting to fight for!”
And here I am. Within 90 days, I’ll be living in a strange place, surrounded with strange faces, witnessing strange landscapes in unfamiliar shapes and patterns, speaking in a strange language, and even as a stranger. In a city I had never thought I’d be living in all my life before today, learning to master things I thought I’d given up since years ago.
Nevertheless, I’ll be on a journey that marks an entrance into what I’ve been silently waiting every single day before today:
to renew a life, in an unknown place where—literally—everybody doesn’t know who I am or who I was, what and where I’ve been going through, how and why I stand solo there.
Within 90 days, I’d separate myself away from things that have been common all my lifetime, saluting new days of uncertainty, stepping onto the road less taken.
And today, all I know is that this is not even worth trading with years of good life I could’ve earned given that things had been as I planned before.
How universe turned the bad luck into something good, so good beyond I could’ve dared imagining.
We never know, and nobody is ever so sure about anything either. As much as I ever wanted the picture-perfect life that I’m waving my goodbyes to, I’m being more than grateful for what I have now in my grasp.