Home might be a mess; people might still contradict you; it might not be the most beautiful place you know;
but it was the only place where I
was never alone.
Ruins
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Disneyland at Anaheim, CA (2017) and the final farewell
The intense yet thrilling trip to The States didn’t end in Chicago, we had just one more stop to cross off our itineraries: Disneyland in California!
Needless to say, the two day trip to Disneyland and Disney Adventure Park was such a wrap. And this time we sure cannot help not bringing some Disney memento back home, so our first attraction to visit was the souvenir shop. I wanted to bring home Marie the cat’s hat, but ended up getting Yoda’s hat while Adhi got himself Chewie’s. Worth every penny.
It’s always been about managing expectations
There has been several moments in my life where I was sure that I was good at something, was ready to receive the best possible result after great hard work coupled with something that I believed as possibly talent as well, but at the end of the day, things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to be.
Last year in 2016, it happened twice. I gave my best effort with hard work and prayers and all, and people and I myself knew if there were things that I was legit good at, it was those things.
Well, it didn’t work.
And it just happened again, within this current phase of life that I planned to take care as best as I could, after having learned all those lessons before. The final results weren’t bad though, but it was just moderately good. In my own scale however, that would be just so-so. And it wasn’t going to be that disappointing if it weren’t for those things that I thought I could definitely nail.
People and I myself have told me several times that I suck at being grateful at times. The truth is, it’s not that I forget to be thankful; it’s just I’ve always raised the bar so high and I barely forgive myself easily when I fail jumping above it.
To me, these kinds of things hurt the most. More than actual scars I got when I had my first traffic accident, more than any major heartbreaks I went through, more than mood swing times when I feel like all persons are trashy. Because this one lingers, this one I’ll remember for the rest of my life, particularly when some of them are indeed literally written in the form of official note of accomplishments.
A short talk to a friend that I knew would be able to give me some reasonable advice made me realize the primary issue: I’ve always forgotten to be sincere at those. Ikhtiar, my mother language says.
Maybe, it’s not that hard work doesn’t get paid off, or that best effort betrays. Maybe, it’s not that the greater power doesn’t answer my prayers. Maybe, it’s just that I’m being too clingy at it, as if it’s the most and the only significant accomplishment I’ve ever wanted, then I get too attached to my own expectations, as I want those things too much that I forget to let God do the rest.
And I can only tell myself: dear future Bila, don’t be anymore.
Spilled ink by alter ego: to think thankfully
Clouds above clouds, greener grass on neighbor’s yard, half-empty glass of yours;
unless you’re a very positive-minded person with optimistic vibes 24/7, there’s got to be some moment during your existence when your mind is busy wondering about others’ seemingly happier and luckier lives while physically, here you are, struggling to have the least intention to take another breath and going on with your daily boredom of repeated, ordinary patterns and seemingly uninspiring routines.
Been there, done that.
But not anymore.
I once uninstalled that particular social media made to create more public impression rather than self-expression, called Path. Mostly because I was extremely exhausted witnessing social climbers showing off parts of their most expensive routines, obviously trying to earn some degree of popularity by tagging people of #CoolKidsofInstagram in the hope that people will notice how superior their circle of you-can’t-sit-with-us is, while leaving footmarks in places that seem to define how heavenly their current life is, or how bright their future is going to be. While in fact, I know pretty well how those things are just of minor matters in their actual lives and what they did there wasn’t more than simply showing how desperate they would like to be recognized in society.
I once cared, just like we once did.
But some simple steps saved me.
It might sound cliché but honestly, when you begin doing things—even the simplest ones—that really, really invite joy into your life, eventually the rest of your worries disappears.
When you get to take great pictures using analog cameras you bought yourself by saving from your income, eventually you’ll have no time to be jealous to those whose photographs were taken using high-spec full-frame cameras.
When you spare time to wander around your hometown all day by yourself, watching stories of unknown people as they go by, eventually you’ll have no time caring about people who are on vacation abroad.
When you get to do your hobbies of art and stuff for unlimited time, you would never wish you were someone else who work in some well-paid multinational company with dollar payments but no time to pursue things that make the greatest joy in their life.
When you’re accepted to the university of your dream because everything there seems to fit not only your academic purposes but also most of your major wishes in life, you won’t even want to trade places with those accepted in MIT or Harvard. Not even think to trade places with those who already get their degree earlier than you will.
When you meet a particular person whose presence is a true blessing to your life, not anymore you will admire perfect couples with fairytale-alike weddings; because deep down you know no other stories are better than yours.
Not anymore I get jealous of pretty girls who attended social science school and achieving so many and showing up being interviewed on TV because of their brilliant thoughts. Nor to white-collared employees with well-paid jobs in my former dream companies. Nor to geniuses with very long achievement lists on their CVs whose future seem to be so very bright it can make the Sun feel ashamed.
It is now safe to say, I like my life a lot. Even with unknown future in front of me, unsecured romance life on LDR phase, not so superior GPA, so-so look, average brain and all.
You may look at people’s curated version of their lives through any platforms they allow you and be devastated wondering if only their lives were yours—but really, it shouldn’t stop you from pursuing small joy that lies within every day of your life.
Now I watch more stories of people’s accomplishments or happy life routines feeling safe and secured. I read great news of friends accomplishing ABC’s feeling joyful because they help the world to be a better place already. I see amazing photos from friends’ holiday trip feeling cool because the world is already filled with sad posts too much.
All it takes is accomplishing small things that make you love yourself again to get rid of jealousy, indeed.