Coexisting with Coronavirus: Making Peace (Again) with Adjusted Expectations

Coexisting with Coronavirus: Making Peace (Again) with Adjusted Expectations

I find it funny that only last year, after a series of turbulence that eventually landed me somewhere where I could say, oh look, life is on my side for once – I finally had the confidence to think to myself, “This is it. I can now manage my resources and time independently towards my utmost craving for travels. There’s no stopping me now.” Then all of sudden, the coronavirus came out of nowhere – sort of. Leaving the world shattered in so many ways, in a blink of an eye. A personal long-term goal of mine included.

Until two months ago, I seemed to still have my 2020 plans (and beyond, to some extent) mapped out pretty well. I would spend weekends making a list of places I would’ve loved to visit this year, along with the corresponding dates to get the cheapest flight ticket. I had budgeted the spending for this year’s vacation and estimated how much I need to save each month to afford those. Earlier at the beginning of the year, obviously I had marked the calendar on my office desk with long weekend dates and some additional days where I planned to take my vacation as well. Those who have known me for quite some time might know that these are just the tips of the iceberg on how meticulously irritating I could get when planning something I am genuinely ecstatic about.

Even last year when I decided to sign with my current employer after long and thorough consideration, I thought at the very least that this was going to be the job that could take me to (literal) places and meet a whole bunch of new colleagues from all over the globe.* I had imagined all the mandatory trainings in Abu Dhabi and/or Melun that I, as a new hire, would be doing. Among all equally promising reasons, this was a pivotal one for me. This sort of opportunity was such a routine, a standard normal, a fact that has been going on in the company for literally decades that I didn’t stop to think if there was a remote possibility that for once, this might not be the case.

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That one thought that lingers since last year

That one thought that lingers since last year

Do you ever feel like you’re just not yourself, or at least not your regular, bearable self? Like you’ve somehow discovered some anomalous, unnatural habits that make you yourself even cringe to live under that living body. Like it’s just so not you. At least not in the past. Maybe time changes you, maybe the circumstance, maybe the geographical place… But whatever it is behind that, it clearly doesn’t do a good job getting you metamorphosed into a beautiful butterfly.

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So, I’m pretty much overwhelmed and..

So, I’m pretty much overwhelmed and..

I think it’s aggravating that sometimes, you dwell so deep in a mistake you made like there’s no way you could be any more disappointed than that, but if you trace into the root of the actual issue, it’s not even about yourself. Like you might actually be okay about that, and you knew you probably deserved that moment, and you wanted to just accept the fact if you could… But it’s still way too exacerbating, probably because you disappoint other people instead. Be it people that you love, or people whom you need to earn the trust from. Anyhow, people who matter. People who somehow seems to be in control of whatever state you’re in or will be in, depending on how you perform.

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On missing the only institution where I was actually happy to be unhappy

On missing the only institution where I was actually happy to be unhappy

Today was Saturday, but I forced myself to head to my office at the university anyway. As a home person, I would obviously rather work from the comfort of my own desk in my house if I could, but I could not. I just wouldn’t be able to be concentrate somehow, and so the only other option is the university because it’s the only other place where I could still practice my 5-time prayers. So, to the office I went.

I started pretty late in the noon, so I finished up pretty late as well. Even though it was a Saturday. By the time the city lights embellished the entire view from the huge window next to my working space, my room was the only space with the lights on in the entire Centennial Centre for Interdisciplinary Sciences building. Sure enough, the idea of being totally alone during such hour in an isolated building deep inside within the very quiet part of the university kind of terrified me, so I decided to wrap up my thoughts and prepared to head home. My watch said it’s nearly a quarter past 10 already.

I took the only stairs connecting my floor to the first floor which was a dark, rarely used emergency exit. (I had promised myself to never take the elevators anymore for the health’s sake, that’s why.) I rushed my steps with my headphones on, playing some catchy tunes from Belle and Sebastian’s latest release, as I am not really a type of person who’s okay with being alone in the dark. I pushed the stairs’ door on the first floor, then was speeding up a little bit to be able to catch the bus. I was outside already. A moonless, mute nightfall was then unfolded ahead of me.

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I wish my days in Canada were as pleasing as my Instagram posts

I wish my days in Canada were as pleasing as my Instagram posts

So I haven’t posted anything in a while… But I thought I might do a quick one, just because I feel like I need a short escape from my daily responsibilities by doing something that isn’t completely the opposite either. And writing sounds like a good fit, doesn’t it?

Also, I realized that I haven’t really posted much about the actual regular days I’m going through on daily basis here in Edmonton. I think I did a couple, months ago, but I took them down some time ago (hehe) because of one and two things that got me thinking that I probably shouldn’t be that transparent even though the subjects related to those posts are most likely not and never going to read those posts either. But, anyways, I chose the safest path eventually, and I’m going to start fresh by assuming that you readers (if any; see I have a real self-esteem issue here) have no idea which posts I was referring to.

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Pneumonia

Pneumonia

Just yesterday, I just got recovered from one and a half week of pneumonia. This was only the second time I got sick in Edmonton. The first was a pretty mild and casual cold, but this one is the kind of a pretty serious one.

I remember spending so much on Uber just to get to the clinic, then do an x-ray, go to the pharmacies, and buy some expensive nutrition supplies just because I didn’t even have the strength to cook myself some basic food. I tried Advil for the first time, finally figured out why its name appears in lots of Hollywood movies if it’s not because of its amazing powerful effects.

Those times make me nothing but realize that being away from home sucks big time.

I talked with Bunda on the phone while she was fully awake at 2AM-ish until morning, trying to make sure that her only daughter is staying alive on the other side of the world. That daughter that had never been sick alone before, especially when it comes to high fever that lasted for a week. I almost sent myself to the emergency room because noone was even able to take care of me; I couldn’t get myself food, my bedroom was a complete mess of quarantine of virus, I didn’t dare to touch the water for anything other than brushing teeth, I couldn’t even drink it. Walking downstairs to get myself glasses of strange-flavored tea and water with lemon or honey felt like such real huge struggles. And Bunda kept texting me 24/7 to make sure that I, at least, was staying alive.

There was no typical chicken porridge that Ayah always bought me whenever I was forced to lie in bed due to catching cold or fever. There was only some ugly-tasted instant chicken soup I forced myself to make, just because I couldn’t even stand for any longer than 15 seconds, let alone cook. He wasn’t there to prepare and clean a bucket of water that I’ve always used to vomit the accumulating mucus in my throat. I did it myself, while dragging myself to the bathroom back and forth, trying not to pass out somewhere in-between. No home cooked spinach porridge or chicken soup, no going to the usual dr. Rahayu with Ayah, no Ayah or Bunda changing my damped and unsterile pillow case and linens.

There was only me and my damped eyes, realizing how sad it is to have to suffer the bad days of your life without the ones who would able to help you get through them. Thinking, “How could my friends already get married by this age? I got pneumonia and I really couldn’t think how I would not die without the help of my parents. I don’t think a husband would be of enough use.”

I wish I were sentimental enough to have the courage to tell them how much I cherish their presence, how much I’d like to be home by their sides at the very moment, how much I need their constant supplies of never-ending blessings.

“O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they have nourished me when I was young.”