Good Will Hunting (1997)

Good Will Hunting (1997)

Have you ever looked at a very fortunate somebody, blessed with some sort of gift the majority of people in the world would kill to steal, and yet they seem to really have no idea about what to do with those talents it irritates you so much to the very core of your bones?

But wait a sec. Do they really have to utilize it the way you think though? ‘Cause maybe, it is just this little world in our minds that keeps telling us to always aim for a greater good. Maybe, since they never actually asked to be born with such great gifts, it is not actually their faults that they’re not using–let alone maximizing–that massive luck the rest of the world wish they had been born with. But of course we’d all think oh what an arrogant, imbecile prick who wouldn’t use their frickin’ ability to achieve an actual something that makes the world a better place. Or at least to make jealous a bunch of losers who wished it had been them who achieve those stuff. Give it to me and I’ll aim high, I’ll land in a place where I have better chances to fix the world. In other words, a place where I can get more satisfaction about myself as a human being, having something bigger to claim that distinguishes me from the mediocre. Where I could feel secure about my accomplishments and stop worrying about my images in society.

After all, isn’t that what we’re after? Or has it ever solely been that pure intention of “I want to change the world“?

Read More

Pneumonia

Pneumonia

Just yesterday, I just got recovered from one and a half week of pneumonia. This was only the second time I got sick in Edmonton. The first was a pretty mild and casual cold, but this one is the kind of a pretty serious one.

I remember spending so much on Uber just to get to the clinic, then do an x-ray, go to the pharmacies, and buy some expensive nutrition supplies just because I didn’t even have the strength to cook myself some basic food. I tried Advil for the first time, finally figured out why its name appears in lots of Hollywood movies if it’s not because of its amazing powerful effects.

Those times make me nothing but realize that being away from home sucks big time.

I talked with Bunda on the phone while she was fully awake at 2AM-ish until morning, trying to make sure that her only daughter is staying alive on the other side of the world. That daughter that had never been sick alone before, especially when it comes to high fever that lasted for a week. I almost sent myself to the emergency room because noone was even able to take care of me; I couldn’t get myself food, my bedroom was a complete mess of quarantine of virus, I didn’t dare to touch the water for anything other than brushing teeth, I couldn’t even drink it. Walking downstairs to get myself glasses of strange-flavored tea and water with lemon or honey felt like such real huge struggles. And Bunda kept texting me 24/7 to make sure that I, at least, was staying alive.

There was no typical chicken porridge that Ayah always bought me whenever I was forced to lie in bed due to catching cold or fever. There was only some ugly-tasted instant chicken soup I forced myself to make, just because I couldn’t even stand for any longer than 15 seconds, let alone cook. He wasn’t there to prepare and clean a bucket of water that I’ve always used to vomit the accumulating mucus in my throat. I did it myself, while dragging myself to the bathroom back and forth, trying not to pass out somewhere in-between. No home cooked spinach porridge or chicken soup, no going to the usual dr. Rahayu with Ayah, no Ayah or Bunda changing my damped and unsterile pillow case and linens.

There was only me and my damped eyes, realizing how sad it is to have to suffer the bad days of your life without the ones who would able to help you get through them. Thinking, “How could my friends already get married by this age? I got pneumonia and I really couldn’t think how I would not die without the help of my parents. I don’t think a husband would be of enough use.”

I wish I were sentimental enough to have the courage to tell them how much I cherish their presence, how much I’d like to be home by their sides at the very moment, how much I need their constant supplies of never-ending blessings.

“O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they have nourished me when I was young.”

Disneyland at Anaheim, CA (2017) and the final farewell

Disneyland at Anaheim, CA (2017) and the final farewell

The intense yet thrilling trip to The States didn’t end in Chicago, we had just one more stop to cross off our itineraries: Disneyland in California!

Needless to say, the two day trip to Disneyland and Disney Adventure Park was such a wrap. And this time we sure cannot help not bringing some Disney memento back home, so our first attraction to visit was the souvenir shop. I wanted to bring home Marie the cat’s hat, but ended up getting Yoda’s hat while Adhi got himself Chewie’s. Worth every penny.

Read More

It’s always been about managing expectations

It’s always been about managing expectations

There has been several moments in my life where I was sure that I was good at something, was ready to receive the best possible result after great hard work coupled with something that I believed as possibly talent as well, but at the end of the day, things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to be.

Last year in 2016, it happened twice. I gave my best effort with hard work and prayers and all, and people and I myself knew if there were things that I was legit good at, it was those things.

Well, it didn’t work.

And it just happened again, within this current phase of life that I planned to take care as best as I could, after having learned all those lessons before. The final results weren’t bad though, but it was just moderately good. In my own scale however, that would be just so-so. And it wasn’t going to be that disappointing if it weren’t for those things that I thought I could definitely nail.

People and I myself have told me several times that I suck at being grateful at times. The truth is, it’s not that I forget to be thankful; it’s just I’ve always raised the bar so high and I barely forgive myself easily when I fail jumping above it.

To me, these kinds of things hurt the most. More than actual scars I got when I had my first traffic accident, more than any major heartbreaks I went through, more than mood swing times when I feel like all persons are trashy. Because this one lingers, this one I’ll remember for the rest of my life, particularly when some of them are indeed literally written in the form of official note of accomplishments.

A short talk to a friend that I knew would be able to give me some reasonable advice made me realize the primary issue: I’ve always forgotten to be sincere at those. Ikhtiar, my mother language says.

Maybe, it’s not that hard work doesn’t get paid off, or that best effort betrays. Maybe, it’s not that the greater power doesn’t answer my prayers. Maybe, it’s just that I’m being too clingy at it, as if it’s the most and the only significant accomplishment I’ve ever wanted, then I get too attached to my own expectations, as I want those things too much that I forget to let God do the rest.

And I can only tell myself: dear future Bila, don’t be anymore.

Spilled ink by alter ego: How wishes find their way

Spilled ink by alter ego: How wishes find their way

Somehow, someday, the core of your wishes will all come true in the most unexpected way.

I used to dream about working in some former dream multinational companies, making earnings in dollar cheques and all. I didn’t, but it was actually better. After months of devastation due to post-power syndrome, being left by closest friends with their new post-graduation responsibilites, I was handed my first actual job—which unexpectedly brought sort of similar 8 digits of monthly earnings. And it was even better than I could imagine. I still got to pursue my old dream of selling my own handicrafts and arts and all because the workloads weren’t quite much, and crossing things out of my wishlist which I hadn’t had the opportunities to do when I was still at school. Had I not establish my first ever artsy store, the current version of myself may not love herself as much as she does right now for finally making true of the thing she thought would simply be just gone.

I used to have big ambitions and confidence about myself, particularly as the side-effect of constant achievement at younger age that somehow helped me to picture what kind of person I should be. Now I grow up mature enough to realize that the past cannot define anything about you, unless you make the best of your present time. I’ve seen people of so-so achievement during school finally skyrockets with their widely recognized trophies and all, and people with better past end up being mediocre.

Having ambitions and confidence and all, I used to wonder about attending world’s top ten universities. Before wisdom came and helped me to see that there are bigger things that I might want to consider. Eventually, in a couple weeks I’ll be moving to a city less recognized, somewhere less known. Where literally nobody knows my name, nor who I am or what I’ve been. Pursuing a subject that I thought I’d given up since long ago.

But I’ll see northern lights, canoe and swim in the world’s best lakes, read newspaper filled with good news of the best government in the world, have picnic and lay on the grass of Northern America’s largest city parks, ride bicycle along the city river, meet the most polite white people, be taught by some professors I’ve been admiring and all. Things I won’t trade with going to world’s top ten universities. Things I thank myself about for being sane enough to choose over a recognition of a more popular school. Things that will matter a lot more than sitting in the class of a more recognized school.

I used to adore a guy who seemed to have all those things I’ve always thought I want in a lover. This is a wish I remember clearly I have buried so very deeply, by letting go and sincerely praying for better human to come. Years later, someone else came up and in the most unanticipated way, the universe worked for us. For when you let go, something even much better moves in your way. With all his positivity and flaws that are entirely a complete package resembling the very ideal significant other of mine, even much better than that one old crush I used to picture as the perfect one.

You never know how a downfall may be your gate to the truest betterment. How descending oil price leads you to discover what you really want to do with your life, how the shifting route of your entire projected future helps you to find out what are the things that matter the most to help you build a life of happiness, or how major heartbreak brings you to a better human you never knew existed, that might also end up as your destined half.