Update 1.0 on what might have a shot at making it to Periplus someday

Update 1.0 on what might have a shot at making it to Periplus someday

So I did try to write the roughest initial drafts of this piece. Regardless of whether or not these chapters will eventually morph into a well-structured creation, or if they would even finish being written at all in the first place, I see it as an appropriate moment for some early reflection.

A difficult part was to sort through all faces, names or the lack thereof, and happenstances. Do I decide on being completely honest, or do I prioritize “variety” – assuming this is the way to be a bit more reader-centric rather than exclusively putting my own agenda in the spotlight? Since it is practically a (semi-)autobiography, how do I balance the rawness and authenticity of it all with how much I want to protect certain parties? How would the real individuals feel about and react to the bluntness of it all, and should it matter? Even though they were all obviously PG-rated, but still, how explicit do I need to be about the emotions, messages, factual details, and such? Does the promised freedom outweigh the risk, i.e., will it interfere with my current relationships with some people?

But also, I looked back at all my solo travels and was made in awe with how many individuals I had met, connected with, or rekindled dormant friendships with – that inspired the making of this work. The experience spans years, though not yet a decade, and countless places that are dispersed around the globe. To think how far I have come since my first solo journey in 2017. Of all organic encounters, at least two were nameless. Some had a name but no trails to make use of it nonetheless. Some were buried deep in unanswered texts – mostly from my end. These interactions were flawed, broken, maybe insignificant now – but they were once real and most importantly, I lived them.

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Is gratitude a prison?

Is gratitude a prison?

There was this conversation between Randall, the adopted son of the Pearson family, and Kevin, his non-biological brother in This Is Us S05E13 that had been stuck with me for a while. It’s when Randall admitted that the fact that he was adopted by a family he loves so much makes him feel that he is bound to show nothing but gratitude at all times, while that feeling, truthfully, feels like an emotional prison because oftentimes he still couldn’t help but thinking about all the what-if’s had he been living with his biological parents instead his whole life. And Kevin said he sounds “wildly ungrateful.”

And I’ve been thinking about that ever since. The feeling of having to constantly show gratitude because people might perceive you to live a somewhat ideal life, when the truth is, sometimes you just want to lash out because things haven’t felt okay in a prolonged time, and let the world watch you go nuts in 4K if they please.

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Undigested arrays of thoughts that come out as a rambling essay

Undigested arrays of thoughts that come out as a rambling essay

I know I can’t be the only person who sometimes goes to sleep thinking about a certain mistake, or embarrassing moment, or something utterly nonsense that I somehow managed to pull even out of a seemingly very casual thin air; wishing that by the time I wake up in the morning it’ll all be a distant memory that no longer matters. Except that most of the time, it does not.

The thoughts linger, and when I first open my eyes in the morning, it’s still going to be the first thing that intervenes into my mind. And then I’ll continue to have that battle within myself that won’t see a finish line until a certain situation unfolds and tells me whether or not that mess I created indeed results in something ugly – and if it does yield something bad, how bad it is exactly.

People – at least those on Indonesian Twitter-sphere, it seems, based on my not-so-in-depth popular culture observation – seem to enjoy being in a competition of: “Who overthinks the most?”. I hate to join the bandwagon as I think my particular case is not exactly special and a bunch of you may experience similar torment constantly, but I just wanted to say that these thoughts… Suck. Big time.

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Memory from a drizzly afternoon spring

Memory from a drizzly afternoon spring

Edmonton, Spring 2018

There is something quite liberating about chilling on the balcony of your third-floor apartment in a rainy afternoon, under the huge, shady trees, just letting the rain shower your bare skins as you embrace the spring breeze. For a moment, forgetting about those unsettling emotions and unfinished chores. Breathe, let loose. Smell the dry earth. Sing a farewell ode to snows.

I think the majority of us often forgets to appreciate the small details that make life hurt slightly less, and enlighten the world slightly more.