Undigested arrays of thoughts that come out as a rambling essay

I know I can’t be the only person who sometimes goes to sleep thinking about a certain mistake, or embarrassing moment, or something utterly nonsense that I somehow managed to pull even out of a seemingly very casual thin air; wishing that by the time I wake up in the morning it’ll all be a distant memory that no longer matters. Except that most of the time, it does not.

The thoughts linger, and when I first open my eyes in the morning, it’s still going to be the first thing that intervenes into my mind. And then I’ll continue to have that battle within myself that won’t see a finish line until a certain situation unfolds and tells me whether or not that mess I created indeed results in something ugly – and if it does yield something bad, how bad it is exactly.

People – at least those on Indonesian Twitter-sphere, it seems, based on my not-so-in-depth popular culture observation – seem to enjoy being in a competition of: “Who overthinks the most?”. I hate to join the bandwagon as I think my particular case is not exactly special and a bunch of you may experience similar torment constantly, but I just wanted to say that these thoughts… Suck. Big time.

Sometimes it’s about interactions with other humans – even strangers who do not consider myself as an important element in their lives whatsoever, and yet I still manage to be afflicted by that incredibly short-lived moment of intersection of our lives – and sometimes it’s about something more serious, such as saying something which I truly regret in an important situation, a decision between equally good or bad options, or something that might affect a serious path in life that at that moment I was trying to carve out, like in an academic setting or a job.

It was mostly my anxiety taking over at that time. And I don’t mean anxiety as in actual panic attacks, since I’ve never got myself diagnosed by any certified psychologist, but just the usual nervous, tense, uneasy feelings that we all constantly get whenever we are put in an unfamiliar situation. And since it’s (mostly, I guess) natural, I’ve been trying to fully grasp that there really is nothing I could do about those disruptions anyway. I did my best to behave and respond as appropriate as I could have, but sometimes we’re just running out of luck and something dumb still came out of nowhere.

The worst part, especially when it really grazes an actually important aspect of my life, is to think that I could’ve avoided all those regrets had I been able to temporarily alleviate the jittery feeling I had, so that I could’ve activated whichever parts of my brain that pushes my more logical, intellectual sense to come out, and executed that event more smoothly. Had I been less anxious, the situation could’ve gone so much better. So maybe this is a reminder to schedule another meeting with my therapist after these past few months? Oh, well.

If you’ve reached this part on your reading hoping to get some sort of revelation on self-help guides whatsoever, I’m sorry to disappoint you. This is not going to be an essay that gives you that. Unlike my usual posts in this category, this one does not lead to an epilogue with a thoughtful awakening of some sort. This is just my uncensored rambling about an event that occurred just very recently – and I don’t know yet whether to call it an incident, as I guess I’ll have to wait over the weekend to figure out any possible harm it might (or might not, hopefully) cause.

At any time of the week when I’m in a very ordinary and average mood and/or occasion, I knew I would’ve nailed that particular recent situation. But I was a bit too anxious to handle it properly at that particular time, and I had expected a lot coming from me and nothing less than the best outcome, so I have – once again – made myself suffered from my own hopes towards myself.

I don’t know if I’m being too harsh on myself like I oftentimes did, or if I’m simply being rational about the level of ridiculousness that this matter is; because frankly, this case is so silly that my 19-year-old self would’ve slapped me in the face for getting that particular basic fact wrong (or rather, misconstrued). Is it even possible that you made a structured mistake subconsciously? Because it felt like that’s exactly what I did.

Out of the more intelligent choices of mistakes, of course I really had to pick one that is this effin’ shallow. If I had made a more reasonable mistake, I probably wouldn’t even complain and just accept that I’m just incapable of that level of challenge. Period. But this one… Na-ah. This one would screw me over throughout the weekend, until Monday comes with (hopefully) some conclusions. Fingers crossed.

(Photo was taken from one of my old still-life projects just because, see more here.)

Update: Monday (29 May 2020) does come with a conclusion. A conclusion that is almost too good to be true, since apparently all the potential damage that I’ve imagined and has been bothering me for the entire weekend is just… Purely my nonsensical delusion. So, once again, I think I was being a bit too harsh on myself… Sorry, N, I’ll learn to treat you better over time!

18 comments / Add your comment below

  1. what…a…rambling.. essay.
    i wonder, apakah tulisan seperti ini ditulis sekali jadi langsung dipost atau diedit kembali?

    btw, subconsciously every time i turn on my laptop and accessing internet, first thing first to check is there any new post from all my fellow bloggers that i follow on WP. and i’m always happy if there’s a new one. thank you,

    oia, gimana sih belajar bahasa inggris biar bagus kayak gitu, saya belajar bhs inggris karena keseringan nonton film berbahasa inggris ampe paham dan ga perlu subtitle, tp giliran nulis berbahasa inggris, ya gitu-gitu ajaa,standar. vocab ga nambah, heuheu…

    1. Biasanya ditulis dulu sampai selesai, habis itu dibaca ulang dan dipreview berkali-kali ahaha. Kalau udah kerasa nyaman dibacanya, baru klik publish..

      Sama! When I turned on my laptop I go to WP rightaway lol. Senang aja baca something interesting to start the day, baru deh mulai ngerjain hal-hal serius semacam kerjaan.

      Hmm kayaknya aku belajar paling banyak dari film/TV show/lirik lagu/blog2/artikel/buku Bahasa Inggris.. Tbh udah jarang banget baca buku, jadi mostly dari sisanya. Kalau grammar belajar dari tempat les dulu, habis itu sisanya lebih banyak dari pop culture media aja. Tapi kayaknya paling membantu dari artikel/blog2 lainnya sih. ๐Ÿ˜€

      1. kayaknya saya memang mesti lebih sering lagi baca buku dan sesekali kudu punya buku berbahasa inggris biar gaya bahasa yang kayak kamu gitu juga bisa kasirep (what is kasirep?hehe)
        but until then, lebih penting lagi gimana caranya nulis tapi memang beneran mau menyampaikan sesuatu, storytelling jg yg enak dibaca biar foto saya bisa dinikmati orang dan saya bisa menyampaikan cerita dibalik fotonya dari perspektif saya sebagai pemotretnya.

        Oke deh, can’t wait for your next post!

        1. Iya, English short poems could be an easy start sih untuk vocab, dibanding novel menurutku.

          Agreed! Storytelling skill lebih penting, hehe. You’ve already got a really good start there.

          Appreciate your time for reading my pure rants! ๐Ÿ˜€

  2. Ingin hati memberi ‘suka’ pada beberapa tulisanmu, Bila, tapi tak kutemukan fitur suka di blog ini. Dari sekian banyak tulisan yang kubaca, aku ingin memberi komentar ini sebagai salam perkenalan. Seperti kata Kak Angky, Bila adalah penulis yang apik banget. Masih muda tapi sudah banyak berkelana. Suatu saat, aku ingin banyak berkelana juga.

    Semoga semua makhluk berbahagia. Salam kenal:-)

    1. Terima kasih banyak, Bang Ical ๐Ÿ˜€ waah kok saya nggak ngeh ya di blog ini nggak ada fitur “like,” thank you for pointing that out! Biasanya saya pakai WordPress Reader, dari situ saya biasanya klik like di post orang2 dan mungkin orang2 selama ini memberi like di blog saya pakai WP Reader juga ya?

      Belum terlalu banyak berkelana kok hehe, namun itu memang cita2 utamanya! Tulisan2 Bang Ical juga apik2 sekali, saya jadi iri hehe. Ingin bisa juga menulis sebagus itu pakai bahasa ibu, tapi beberapa tahun terakhir kurang diasah. Mudah2an setelah banyak baca tulisan seperti punya Bang Ical dan blogger2 lainnya jadi makin terinspirasi untuk mulai menulis dalam Bahasa Indonesia lagi!

  3. Blog yang keren dengan cerita perjalanan yang memukau (satangnya pake English, aku kurang pintar baca Engliahยฒ gitu ๐Ÿ˜ƒ). Awalnya aku pikir bukan orang Indonesia๐Ÿ˜Š, baru ngeh setelah mampir di coment. Salam kenal ya …

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