Showing all posts tagged sentimental mood

In Days in Edmonton, Overcasted Mind

It’s always been about managing expectations

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It’s always been about managing expectations

There has been several moments in my life where I was sure that I was good at something, was ready to receive the best possible result after great hard work coupled with something that I believed as possibly talent as well, but at the end of the day, things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to be.

Last year in 2016, it happened twice. I gave my best effort with hard work and prayers and all, and people and I myself knew if there were things that I was legit good at, it was those things.

Well, it didn’t work.

And it just happened again, within this current phase of life that I planned to take care as best as I could, after having learned all those lessons before. The final results weren’t bad though, but it was just moderately good. In my own scale however, that would be just so-so. And it wasn’t going to be that disappointing if it weren’t for those things that I thought I could definitely nail.

People and I myself have told me several times that I suck at being grateful at times. The truth is, it’s not that I forget to be thankful; it’s just I’ve always raised the bar so high and I barely forgive myself easily when I fail jumping above it.

To me, these kinds of things hurt the most. More than actual scars I got when I had my first traffic accident, more than any major heartbreaks I went through, more than mood swing times when I feel like all persons are trashy. Because this one lingers, this one I’ll remember for the rest of my life, particularly when some of them are indeed literally written in the form of official note of accomplishments.

A short talk to a friend that I knew would be able to give me some reasonable advice made me realize the primary issue: I’ve always forgotten to be sincere at those. Ikhtiar, my mother language says.

Maybe, it’s not that hard work doesn’t get paid off, or that best effort betrays. Maybe, it’s not that the greater power doesn’t answer my prayers. Maybe, it’s just that I’m being too clingy at it, as if it’s the most and the only significant accomplishment I’ve ever wanted, then I get too attached to my own expectations, as I want those things too much that I forget to let God do the rest.

And I can only tell myself: dear future Bila, don’t be anymore.

In Adventure of a Lifetime, She & Him, Thoughtful Enlightenment

Spilled ink by alter ego: How wishes find their way

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Spilled ink by alter ego: How wishes find their way

Somehow, someday, the core of your wishes will all come true in the most unexpected way.

I used to dream about working in some former dream multinational companies, making earnings in dollar cheques and all. I didn’t, but it was actually better. After months of devastation due to post-power syndrome, being left by closest friends with their new post-graduation responsibilites, I was handed my first actual job—which unexpectedly brought sort of similar 8 digits of monthly earnings. And it was even better than I could imagine. I still got to pursue my old dream of selling my own handicrafts and arts and all because the workloads weren’t quite much, and crossing things out of my wishlist which I hadn’t had the opportunities to do when I was still at school. Had I not establish my first ever artsy store, the current version of myself may not love herself as much as she does right now for finally making true of the thing she thought would simply be just gone.

I used to have big ambitions and confidence about myself, particularly as the side-effect of constant achievement at younger age that somehow helped me to picture what kind of person I should be. Now I grow up mature enough to realize that the past cannot define anything about you, unless you make the best of your present time. I’ve seen people of so-so achievement during school finally skyrockets with their widely recognized trophies and all, and people with better past end up being mediocre.

Having ambitions and confidence and all, I used to wonder about attending world’s top ten universities. Before wisdom came and helped me to see that there are bigger things that I might want to consider. Eventually, in a couple weeks I’ll be moving to a city less recognized, somewhere less known. Where literally nobody knows my name, nor who I am or what I’ve been. Pursuing a subject that I thought I’d given up since long ago.

But I’ll see northern lights, canoe and swim in the world’s best lakes, read newspaper filled with good news of the best government in the world, have picnic and lay on the grass of Northern America’s largest city parks, ride bicycle along the city river, meet the most polite white people, be taught by some professors I’ve been admiring and all. Things I won’t trade with going to world’s top ten universities. Things I thank myself about for being sane enough to choose over a recognition of a more popular school. Things that will matter a lot more than sitting in the class of a more recognized school.

I used to adore a guy who seemed to have all those things I’ve always thought I want in a lover. This is a wish I remember clearly I have buried so very deeply, by letting go and sincerely praying for better human to come. Years later, someone else came up and in the most unanticipated way, the universe worked for us. For when you let go, something even much better moves in your way. With all his positivity and flaws that are entirely a complete package resembling the very ideal significant other of mine, even much better than that one old crush I used to picture as the perfect one.

You never know how a downfall may be your gate to the truest betterment. How descending oil price leads you to discover what you really want to do with your life, how the shifting route of your entire projected future helps you to find out what are the things that matter the most to help you build a life of happiness, or how major heartbreak brings you to a better human you never knew existed, that might also end up as your destined half.

In Overcasted Mind, Thoughtful Enlightenment

Spilled ink by alter ego: to think thankfully

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Spilled ink by alter ego: to think thankfully

Clouds above clouds, greener grass on neighbor’s yard, half-empty glass of yours;

unless you’re a very positive-minded person with optimistic vibes 24/7, there’s got to be some moment during your existence when your mind is busy wondering about others’ seemingly happier and luckier lives while physically, here you are, struggling to have the least intention to take another breath and going on with your daily boredom of repeated, ordinary patterns and seemingly uninspiring routines.

Been there, done that.

But not anymore.

I once uninstalled that particular social media made to create more public impression rather than self-expression, called Path. Mostly because I was extremely exhausted witnessing social climbers showing off parts of their most expensive routines, obviously trying to earn some degree of popularity by tagging people of #CoolKidsofInstagram in the hope that people will notice how superior their circle of you-can’t-sit-with-us is, while leaving footmarks in places that seem to define how heavenly their current life is, or how bright their future is going to be. While in fact, I know pretty well how those things are just of minor matters in their actual lives and what they did there wasn’t more than simply showing how desperate they would like to be recognized in society.

I once cared, just like we once did.

But some simple steps saved me.

It might sound cliché but honestly, when you begin doing things—even the simplest ones—that really, really invite joy into your life, eventually the rest of your worries disappears.

When you get to take great pictures using analog cameras you bought yourself by saving from your income, eventually you’ll have no time to be jealous to those whose photographs were taken using high-spec full-frame cameras.

When you spare time to wander around your hometown all day by yourself, watching stories of unknown people as they go by, eventually you’ll have no time caring about people who are on vacation abroad.

When you get to do your hobbies of art and stuff for unlimited time, you would never wish you were someone else who work in some well-paid multinational company with dollar payments but no time to pursue things that make the greatest joy in their life.

When you’re accepted to the university of your dream because everything there seems to fit not only your academic purposes but also most of your major wishes in life, you won’t even want to trade places with those accepted in MIT or Harvard. Not even think to trade places with those who already get their degree earlier than you will.

When you meet a particular person whose presence is a true blessing to your life, not anymore you will admire perfect couples with fairytale-alike weddings; because deep down you know no other stories are better than yours.

Not anymore I get jealous of pretty girls who attended social science school and achieving so many and showing up being interviewed on TV because of their brilliant thoughts. Nor to white-collared employees with well-paid jobs in my former dream companies. Nor to geniuses with very long achievement lists on their CVs whose future seem to be so very bright it can make the Sun feel ashamed.

It is now safe to say, I like my life a lot. Even with unknown future in front of me, unsecured romance life on LDR phase, not so superior GPA, so-so look, average brain and all.

You may look at people’s curated version of their lives through any platforms they allow you and be devastated wondering if only their lives were yours—but really, it shouldn’t stop you from pursuing small joy that lies within every day of your life.

Now I watch more stories of people’s accomplishments or happy life routines feeling safe and secured. I read great news of friends accomplishing ABC’s feeling joyful because they help the world to be a better place already. I see amazing photos from friends’ holiday trip feeling cool because the world is already filled with sad posts too much.

All it takes is accomplishing small things that make you love yourself again to get rid of jealousy, indeed.